First of all: I love science. I love it so much that I listen to astrophysic documentaries while trying to sleep. At the age of 12 I had read some books about surgery and bought several encyclopedias about medicine, astronomy, and basically everything that helped me writing my little stories I loved to write. You guessed it right, I’m a huge nerd 😉
So? Do you believe in ghosts?
Absolutely yes. I believe the spirits or souls of the dead can visit us, spend time with us, try to communicate, be assholes, try to scare you shitless, appear out of thin air and move objects.
But how does that go together?
Well! Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
When I was young, around the age of two or three, I had the feeling some places of my family’s flat were dangerous. Dangerous not like in “there’re knives and fire and poison” but more as in “you need to get past the space in front of the mirror quickly or something will happen”. These spots weren’t specifically spooky or dark, not even decorated with things I hated. It was more like an immanent feeling of “something scary will happen” with nothing obvious ever triggering it at that time. I grew older and at the age of 4 or 5 I got said feeling while lying in bed. Night terrors aren’t that uncommon and don’t necessarily mean there’re ghosts going around, but at that age I never woke my parents up screaming or crying, I just developed some sort of taboo, not wanting to look at certain areas in the room at night, which was very instinct-driven. So I kept my face under the blanket while sleeping in my parents bed. During the day, the dangerous areas changed, it was always making me nervous going into my parents bedroom but I still did it. I was no anxious child, I loved to run around and the only thing I feared was heights. Other than that I was a stuntman, coming home with bloody knees and elbows all the time because going too quick on a scooter was too much fun 😉 I never had this certain feeling outside of our flat. It seemed bound to it, but nothing supernatural happened to me until I reached the age of 6 or 7. After that event happened I felt even more cautious and thought things would get even more stressful for me. I felt restricted. It was the following event that made me feel like that:
One night, while lying in my parents bed again, because that’s what you like as a kid, I woke up and saw the bedroom door slowly getting shoved open. It was a big figure, walking slouched while limping. At first I thought it was my dad because he had had a knee surgery before and walked in a similar manner, but quicker. I watched the figure walking around the bed, going to my dad’s side and sitting down. At that point I realized that the bed didn’t move or squeak like usual. There was no weight when the figure sat and finally lay down. After a few moments I gathered all my courage together and asked “Dad?” into the darkness but nothing happened, he just started snoring after a few moments. This, indeed, scared me shitless because that of which I had been afraid the whole time now had shown itself, I thought. I hadn’t grasped the concept of actual ghosts outside the television and only knew the archetypical funny ones like Casper or ones from black & white movies, which didn’t scare me at all. I really liked movies with zombies, monsters and ghosts which were suitable for children, like the Addams Family or the Munsters. But the things going on outside the TV were definitely different and I didn’t connect TV fantasies and reality with eachother, I never did.
From then on the spook intensified until we moved out. One time tableware in the kitchen clashed in the cupboard, and the most aggressive incident was a loud noise like a pistol shot accompanied with dangling easter decoration spread across the room as if someone pulled on both vases filled with twigs and shot at the same time, plus moving a decorative glass pane with minerals like amethysts and agates so that it started swinging from side to side in the window. By this time, my mother and grandmother had already witnessed strange occurances and this special incident scared us three.
By the time I got 10 – 11 my mother told me the flat had been extra cheap because an old lady had died in it. In the flat next door someone had committed suicide and people also had died in the doctor’s office on our floor. At that time I already had started reading tons of stuff about parapsychology. I had come to the conclusion that nobody knew anything exact, but weird stuff happened which people had no explanation for. We moved flats and the feeling of being afraid receded, but came back once in a while at night. I then tried to switch on the light with the button directly installed next to my bed but the lamp wouldn’t react for some reason, no matter how often I switched the button on. After a while the feeling faded and the light could be switched on again. This happened at least every other week. I had read more books and came across an article, that stated ghosts liked to spook around children, especially girls, who started to hit puberty, which to some extend is the case when you reach the age of 9 or 10. So there I sat, stuck with spook which wouldn’t leave me alone.
On several occasions I had the feeling that “the unexplainable” liked to follow my family. While on vacation my godfather died and the day he died a dinner tray just fell down from the kitchen counter to the floor with nobody ever having touched it. He and my grandmother had been heavily into astrology and while he had studied it in Switzerland he brought my grandma some of his books for her to read while they were younger.
For the sake of readability I’m gonna skip some events but maybe you read of them on my instagram feed.
When I first had a flat of my own I owned a white woolen jacket. I laid it onto my bed to get ready, went under the shower, did some stuff and when I returned the jacket was gone. Vanished into thin air. I looked for it everywhere. Around the bed, in my wardrobe, in every room, in my then-boyfriend’s room but it was gone. I sat down at my computer, started doing some early-internet stuff, turned around after twenty minutes and there it was again, lying on the bed as if nothing happened, which was creepy because I had even flipped the mattress because I was quite sick of such events. Around that time I came to terms with my pagan path a bit and investigated into wicca and witchcraft, but I took everything i read with a grain of salt because of my love of science and I knew esoteric literature was often nothing more than a mere scam. But still I found something useful. One book read, that when you get bothered by a ghost you might want to try insulting it really badly with the worst words you know, suggesting laughing at and taunting it.
So one day I stayed at my parents’ and the strap of one of the blinds started dangling without anybody having touched it. It wasn’t in front of the heater and there was no window open. I saw this movement from the corner of my eye and started swearing at it, and if I can do one thing on this planet it’s swearing like it makes sailors blush. What happened next was a bit unexpected for me but I was pleased with the outcome. The dangling just stopped from one moment to the other. Normally you would have thought why should there be ghosts anyway in the new flat? Did the old lady really follow you? Why should she? But no. Right under my window, before the street had been converted a bit, was the place a window cleaner had died some years ago. I was there with my grandma, walking past the place of accident but changing the side of the street because my grandma didn’t want me to see a dead body at the age of 5 while going to my ballet lessons.
The day my grandma died, a bottle of shampoo or hairspray just fell out of the shelf as if something had pushed it. And when I had a very dark day a couple of days ago, a random net filled with sea shells was pushed out of the shelf above me while sitting motionless at the computer. Pushing things out of shelves seems to be a thing in my family. Funnily these incidents didn’t cause any fear at all.
Of course these incidents are in no way proof that there are actual ghosts going around spooking. But some of the things that happened to us are very unlikely explainable with common laws of physics, even with taking into account things like ball-lightning, mass hallucination and random fluctuations of density exist and cause weird phenomena the everyday person knows jack shit about.
And how do you combine these two now?
I must admit I feel like I got used to it. Noises from the kitchen cause me to shout “Don’t you ever shut up?” instead of triggering fear in me. Stuff vanishing into thin air makes me go “If my shit doesn’t appear within 10 minutes I’m gonna stuff you with sage from behind and light your head on fire like a smudge stick!” instead of panicking. And over the years it got less. So I had more time to think about what happened. I learned things like quantum theories exist and that memories in our brains are stored with the help of electricity, although we don’t know for certain how it works. And I have a certain feeling that ghost phenomena can be connected with energy (the physical energy, not the esoterical one) and matter, which are basically the same at the end. Energy cannot be destroyed and when a body dies, this energy needs to go somewhere. And I like the thought that this sort of energy, which some may call soul, sticks together for a while or for eternity to be reincarnated, with new souls developing and old souls getting annihilated with the energy floating away, probably connecting to other emerging souls at that time. Not that this is a valid theory of mine. It’s definitely not. But I like thinking of things being like that just for my personal enjoyment. Because who doesn’t like their loved ones around them?
Have a nice day everyone 🙂